Those who know me know I have a pretty big man crush on Sam Elliott. I don’t really know the origin of it, but I’ve had the crush for several decades. He’s been in a ton of great films, but Sam Elliott was at his most Sam Elliott in a late 90’s tour de force of trashy B-movies, Road House.
I love that movie – it has some of the best bad dialogue that ever made it onto the screen. As an example, the bar bouncer/philosophy major protagonist Dalton (played by Patrick Swayze and named Dalton because of course he was named Dalton), after getting stabbed in a bar fight, meets the love interest doctor, played by Kelly Lynch – in the ER, as she tended to his wound. He insisted that she not use any numbing agents as she sews him up, to which she says “Do you like pain, Dalton?”. Dalton’s response: “Pain don’t hurt.” C’mon! AI could never come up with anything better than that!
Anyway, my adoration for the original Road House left me somewhat uncertain about the remake that just got loaded onto Amazon Prime. The remake stars Jake Gyllenhaal (or more specifically, Jake Gyllenhaal’s abdominal muscles) as a bar bouncer/former UFC fighter/walking Abdominizer commercial, also named Dalton.
This time, the action takes place in a bar in the Florida Keys instead of “a city just outside of Kansas City” in the original. I’ve got to say, despite some reservations, I was totally in on the remake. It borrows a lot of general plot from the original (to the degree either movie has a plot), and is just about as utterly mindless and stupid and fun as the original. Really, the only thing that could have improved this is if they would have backed a bank truck up to Sam Elliott’s house to get him to do an unannounced cameo in it. (I mean, spoiler alert but they kill Sam Elliott in the first movie, so it may seem odd to have him show up in the new film, but nobody here is really looking for plot continuity…)
Did the world need a Road House remake? Of course not. Is the world a little more fun and dumb with a new Road House in it? Heck yeah! Anyway, if you feel like you only have space in your life for one Road House and haven’t seen either yet, here’s a breakdown of ten factors to try to pick which one to watch:
- The Zen bar bouncer
So this may not sit well with traditionalists, but I have to say, I think I enjoyed Jake Gyllenhaal’s take as the UFC fighter/killer-turned-bar bouncer even more than Patrick Swayze’s bar bouncer/killer-turned-bar bouncer-again. I don’t know why for sure – it almost seemed like Patrick Swayze took this role seriously, while Gyllenhaal seemed to have the tongue firmer in cheek.
Advantage: New Road House - Location
Okay, the Florida swamps were pretty, and even gave an opportunity to have a bad guy get eaten by a crocidile, but Kansas City is my home, and even though I have no clue exactly where this little town outside of KC is supposed to be in the original, I can’t go against my roots.
Advantage: Vintage Road House - The Heavy
This was actually a closer call than I would have expected. The heavy in the new Road House is Billy Magnussen, who just has an incredibly punchable face. He had a brief role in one of my favorite movies, the Big Short, as a schmarmy Florida real estate agent, and was also a crooked CIA guy in the Bond movie “No Time to Die”. He’s built to play a character people hate. But in the end, the original Road House somehow scored Ben Gazarra to be the heavy. Yes – the original Road House actually had TWO Big Lebowski actors… it wasn’t just Sam Elliott. I’m not going against Ben Gazarra. He has been dead for over a decade, but I still wouldn’t mess with him.
Advantage: Vintage Road House - The Heavy’s strong arm
So in both Road House movies, the heavy is a rich guy who runs the town and hires bullies to help him out. Both have a bunch of lesser bullies and the one main bully. In the original, Marshall Teague plays the role of main bully/guy with his throat ripped out. In the sequel, it’s Connor McGregor. Marshall Teague is now in his 70’s. Connor McGregor is in his prime, and could kill me in less than three seconds. Even if I didn’t think he was a better heavy (and he was! in fact, he was hilarious in the role!), I’d vote for him in a heartbeat.
Advantate: New Road House - The dialog
I will say, the new movie did pretty good on this score. By far, the highlight for me was, during the fight between Gyllenhaal and McGregor, they proceed to destroy a full band stage, and as McGregor is pounding Gyllenhaal’s head into the piano keyboard, Gyllenhaal says “this piano sounds out of tune…” and McGregor replies “it sounds pretty good to me!”. However, when it comes to attrocious dialog, I don’t know that any movie has ever topped “pain don’t hurt”.
Advantage: Vintage Road House - Locals who befriend Dalton and suffer the consequences
In the first movie, it was the farmer who rents his barn to Patrick Swayze so he can have sex with Kelly Lynch in it. In the new movie, it’s a girl who helps try to explain how computers work to Jake Gyllenhaal and her father, who for some reason ends up with a box full of mob money after they destroy his bookstore. Overall, none of them are very interesting.
Advantage: It’s a wash - Sexy doctor love interest with convenient ties to the main bad guy
Nothing against Daniela Melchior, who does fine in the new Road House as the beautiful doctor who has a crooked police chief father tied in with the main bad guy, but Kelly Lynch – the beautiful doctor who used to date the main bad guy in the original… I mean, not only was she was beautiful but she was awesome at giving the perfect set up line for bad dialog to follow.
Advantage: Vintage Road House - The violence
The new roadhouse definitely has a higher budget and some pretty spectacular violence, but I mean, c’mon… Dalton rips a guy’s trachea out in the original. Game over.
Advantage: Vintage Road House - The music
This was actually a closer call than I expected. The original Road House featured Jeff Healey as the leader of the house band. If you never listened to Jeff Healey, you are in for a treat – check him out on Spotify! He passed away a few years back, but the guy was an amazing guitar player (and actually a great sax player too, although that’s not part of the movie). I really liked several of the bands that they gave time to in the new movie – especially Rockin’ Dopsie Jr. and the Zydeco Twisters. In the end though, I’ve got to go with Jeff Healey, who in addition to getting three full songs in the movie (the new movie only allowed for song snippets) actually introduces Dalton to the crowd at the bar after his first fight.
Advantage: Vintage Road House - Wise mentor
I mentioned my Sam Elliott man crush. For all the story elements that the new Road House bummed off the old one, it surprised me that they didn’t have someone take on the “wise elderstatesman/bar bouncer” role in the new film. Maybe they just realized there was no competing with the original on this count.
Advantage, and game/set/match: Vintage Road House
Overall, your life will be substantially enriched by either film, but if you can only watch one… well, then reconsider your priorities in life and find time to watch both anyway.
– Ken 3/25/2024
Where’s Nico? 
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